Tool dictionary joke......

[Indy452]

I recieved this this AM via e-mail. I thought if you haven't already seen it you would enjoy it. Most of us work with hand tools at some point or another.

So true..............

Tool Dictionary:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC''S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[skcsbrh]

Been there done all of that

[lt230s]

All too familiar!!!!

[attorney_barnabas_collins]

I thought welding gloves were to trap welding berrys in with your hands? I do know that regular work gloves are so you won't have to look at your hand after you hit it with something heavy.

[Tractor-Holic]

I read an ad this morning on CL--some guy selling an Engine Crane/Hoist must have read this list too! --it said :

"For Sale" 4000 lb engine crane/hoist---commonly used to test the tensile strength of the various items that you forgot to dissconnect!..

Been there,done that!--I learned 3/8" gas line hose will ALMOST pick your truck up off the ground if you forget to dissconnect it!..amazing how strong a worm gear hose clamp can be,the hose always rips apart first!..4 gauge battery cables are quite strong too!..

[jeepersmitty]

I use the damit tool most often.

[johnsonmk]

I'm so glad...
I thought it was just me...
I'm not the only incompetent tool user after all.

[Rodney in VA]

Indy452:

Thanks for the laugh! I actually laughed out loud at a few of them. Man... they are so true!

[Fourtrax]

Wow, I think every single one of those has happened to me at one time or another..

[skcsbrh]

One item missing is the "Thumb". Here are 2 uses:
An alternate target for a hammer
A tester to see if the hand saw is still sharp
Something to poke your screw bit into
A splinter collector
A temp gage when using a bench grinder with metal
A pressure tester when using a vice

There are more uses for this invaluable tool but I'll let you folks come up with more!

[attorney_barnabas_collins]

Sure.

The thumb is also used as a bumper to keep a door from seating properly in its frame on a hard slam. It is used as a shoehorn. It's usefull to keep gas from pouring out of your full WD45 tank while you swap sediment bowls.

Pretty good for applying enough pressure to a flys exoskeleton on the windshield to cause a cessation of its movements permanently.

[Fourtrax]

Also works as a nice soft landing place for anything sharp you might be using to pry, pick, jab or poke.

[scrat2]

Myself, I have both full sets of the DAMMIT tools,in standard and metric.

[R-WEST]

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''

Oh, yeah!! Been there/done that a few times..

[LLigetfa]

They forgot the snap ring tool more commonly known as the Jesus clip tool named aptly for the word uttered when the clip goes flying.