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I thought you guys might like a funny story

234K views 1K replies 153 participants last post by  mikeinri 
#1 ·
I have a funny story you guys might like.

I came home from work the other day and my step son Timmy was working on his truck.
The truck is a first class piece of crap, I told him not to buy it but he did anyway, everything in the world is wrong with it and he doesn’t know anything about cars.
He was going to crank it but the starter wouldn’t run, he said he has to hit it with a hammer to jar it sometimes
He walked around to the front of the truck and started beating on the ALTENATOR! I yelled Timmy what are you doing, he said “isn’t that the solenoid”
I said NO it’s the alternator!
He said “that is what I have been hitting to make it start“
 
#2 ·
Another one I thought of was a woman I saw at the service station once, the attendant told me he had sold her a quart of oil and she pulled down in the parking lot and went under the hood and had been there for about thirty minutes, he was wondering what she was doing.
I decided to go ask if she needed help

By the time I got there she was nearly finished pouring the oil down the dip stick tube.
I tried to tell he there was an easier way but she didn’t believe me.
 
#4 ·
Thanks for the chuckles Scott, I guess it's up to us to educate the masses or at least pass on a little advice ?

The funniest one in recent memory is my Finance's friends husband telling me his van was low on power steering fluid (it uses ATF) so I gave him a quart and finished mowing.

After getting done (30 minutes later) I walked over and asked him if it needed more and he tells me it's not the trans that's low, "OK? so what, did you fill up the power steering pump ?" NO he says I need power steering fluid ! :00000060:

It took me 15 minutes and showing him his owners manual before he got a clue, and the promise that if it damaged his van I would pay for the repairs. :banghead3

Now I don't blame people for not knowing about some manufacturer's using ATF for the steering pump but having, to prove to them that the owners/service manual recommendation isn't a typo or some scam to bilk you out of money is way past being dumb !

Sometimes I wonder what people will do if they don't have a guide/manual to help them along the way, and even then it sometimes doesn't help. :fing20:

BTW this is the same guy that ask if I could make a copy of a movie for him then gave it to his wife who had the kids (they drove separate vehicles) so that if the police pulled him over he wouldn't go to jail for piracy, nice huh ? :14_6_5:

Ron
 
#5 ·
One of my friends took a part time job at a self service gas station years ago...sat in a booth and collected the money and turned the pumps on,that was ALL he was supposed to do....and he did!--until one dark night an old lady came in ,driving her Dodge Dart...said "can you please look at my oil??--I think I need oil in my engine,and I dont know how"...he said he wasn't supposed to leave the booth for any reason,and she about cried,so he felt bad and relented,--it wasn't busy,no one was watching--why not??..

He has her pop the hood latch,and he finds the dipstick,pulls it out,and sees it is almost full,so he tells the lady "your oil level is fine!"--and she thanks him..he goes to put the dipstick back in,and gee,its DARK in that engine compartment!--he fumbles around for awhile,trying to poke the dipstick back into the tube,and missed it completely,and the end of the dipstick ends up touching the starter solenoid terminal,which has the positive battery cable attached to it,and ZAPPPP!..a shower of sparks fly out everywhere,and now the dipstick is turning bright orange!.:eek:.he looks at the lady,then at the parking lot,and sees his boss pullimg into the lot,and he slams the hood shut ,and tells the lady "its all set--GO,thats my boss over there!--I'll get fired if he sees me under your hood"!....and off she drove into the darkness,with an eerie orange glow coming from under the hood of her car...
:eek:

I wonder if she ever made it home??...:rolleyes:...

Another night he saw an older woman putting GAS in her radiator!..he ran over and yelled at her to stop,and she yells right back at him--says "Dont tell ME where to put my gas,,MY EX HUSBAND told me thats definately the GAS cap!....

He backed away and RAN to the booth,and called his boss,and told him what she did,and NOW what do I do??..he says "Eh--just walk away from the pumps when she starts it up--far enough so you wont go "boom" if it decides to blow!--we're insured!...and the fire extinguishers will put it out anyway...
:eek:....he quit that jon about a week later...:D
 
#6 ·
So, when we were all MUCH younger, my older sister used to drive my dad's second truck, a '74 AMC J10... This was RIGHT after she got her license, in the mid-eighties... So one night, about 2:30 am, she calls home.. "Dad, the truck won't start!" So out he goes... Even before he pops the hood, he can smell the boiling battery acid.. The battery is done like dinner... Turns out the regulator went, and the oversized alternator had been pumping 60 amps into it for who knows how long... "Didn't you NOTICE that little gauge with the plus and minus on it was ALWAYS over on the plus side, ALL the time?!?"

Well no... So, after the new regulator goes in, and my sister gets the big lecture about watching her gauges, she gets back to driving it.. And she's TOTALLY conscientious about watching her gauges... Fast forward a couple of weeks, to another late night telephone call...

"Dad, the oil pressure gauge says 0, what should I do?!?"

"Stay right there, DON'T go anywhere, I'll be RIGHT there!"

Out he goes again, gets to the truck, pops the hood and (by flashlight) checks the dipstick... Hmmmm.. Oil level is fine... Gets in the truck, turns the key, it fires right up and the oil pressure gauge reads fine.... Hmmm... After thinking for a moment, he asks her,

"So... When you looked at the oil pressure gauge, was the engine RUNNING?"

"Um, no... Was it SUPPOSED to be?"

(TRUE story, I kid you not!)
 
#7 ·
So you get a phone call from a young person,
and they tell you they have a flat tire,
and ask if you can fill your air tank and bring it over.

And you do as they ask. When you get there and you mention that the tank has a hundred pounds in it........

And they reach in the back of your truck to grab the air tank, pick it up with one hand, and say

"It must of all leaked out, cause its awfully light"


:fing20:

true story.......
 
#8 ·
Awhile back when I was showing my little brother the ins and outs of my 1970 Sears SS12 I told him where the fuel valve is and told him that when ever the engine is not running to close it. Well I decided to test him a little later on (10 minutes) and I asked him if the fuel was on.... He replied "nope, there's no light coming from the tank"..... But he did have the fuel valve closed.


One time grandpa asked him if the tire was full enough and my brother answer "no!! Are you kidding me! The side of the tire is not flat.".... Mind you this is an OLD tire.... So more air went into the tire and he asked again.... Got the same response. Two seconds later it sounds like a gun went off and grandpas laying on his back 4-5 feet from the tire and my brother is laying on his stomach covering his head with his hands. I yelled up the hill "is it full yet!", that set my brother off crying as he got up running into the house. He was only 5 or 6 at the time.


Couple days ago I showed my brother how to test the electric fence that I put in our garden. I showed him to use a screw driver and to look at the light in the shed to see if it was blinking or not. I turn my back for no more than a second and he's yelling "ow!... OW!... OW!!!!..."..... He grabbed it to see if it would actually shock the rabbits that sneak into the garden at night...
 
#14 ·
Did the electric fence deal with a kid down the road. His family were Devout Baptists:praying:(nothing against Baptists) and thought they were better than everyone else and he didn't mind telling you that and everything he had was better than mine. I got him to whiz on the electric fence. He flopped on the ground for awhile and then went home and never came back over. I guess i proved who was smarter. I thought it was hilarious.:thThumbsU
 
#9 ·
oh man that reminds me when i was in high school we had a crazy teacher and she was talking about how her car had a strange rattle to it, one of the guys in the class said, oh thats your muffler bearings..... with out missing a beat i was like, yea that sounds about right ........ she was mad the next week because she went to a shop to have them replaced
 
#10 ·
I have another one.
My step son (the one with the alternator) called me at work me to tell me something was wrong with the lawn mower(John Deere L120) He had started the engine and it sounded terrable.
He held the phone to it so I could here.

I TOLD HIM TO TURN OFF THE CHOKE!!!!

It ran fine after that.
 
#882 ·
My sister in law (my EX and Daughter live with her) had this old Supa Swift lawn mower that she had bought new. Mows almost every week like its a religion. The briggs had given up the ghost so I put another motor on it and gave it back, 12 months down the track I gave her a Honda HRU195 to use while it took the SupaSwift to give it a service.
Didnt get time to show her how to use it, heard back on the grapevine that she had it sorted. Weeks later she tells me, I love this Honda and you are not getting it back, keep that mower of mine. I wasnt that sad, the paint was all peeling off the base so I was not getting top dollar for it, and Dad got it from the tip for free.
She'd had this Honda for more than a month and I was there one day when she was mowing the grass, happy as Larry with her honda running on full choke popping and farting and puffing black smoke. Shes not one to be told how to do man stuff, so I just snuck over when she was emptying the catcher and bumped it down of choke. Shes turned around when she heard the change to running right saw me standing there and went bright red.
When she finished mowing she came and asked me how to use the mower.
 
#11 ·
This is a little OT so I hope you all don’t mind.

My neighbor we going to grill out but he did not have enough charcoal to do it. He asked me if he could barrow some from me. I said sure no problem and walked over to my kindling and gathered up an arm load of oak and soft maple sticks and said here you go. He got a dumber look on his face and said I can’t use wood. I asked him why not? He said because you have to use charcoal. I asked what do you think charcoal is made from. He gets a serious know-it-all face and says coal.

By the way I only use wood in my grill I have no way of knowing what is in charcoal that should not be there.
 
#12 ·
I had a neighbor once with an old Dodge Dart with a slant 6. The temp gauge was running high as she got home so she popped the cap off & put the running garden hose in the radiator. Too bad she confused the oil cap for the radiator cap......

I had a friend in school who rebuilt the carb on his Chevy Vega & right after that, the engine seized. Laughed my azz off when I figured out that he had hooked the windshield washer hose to a vacuum port & simply hydro-locked it.
 
#13 ·
My brother is seven years older than me and thinks he knows everything, even though he doesn't know much about cars. He's one of these idiots that drives with one foot on the gas and one on the brake. We're driving in my dad's pickup somewhere and it's running as rough as it could possibly ever run and still be turning over. I noticed that he had the choke full out, and went to tell him. He informed me in no certain terms that I was full of <something> and to shut up. We came to a stop sign and as soon as he pushed in the clutch, it of course quit. He tried about half a dozen times to get it started, all with the choke still full out. Finally he's ready to give up, so I tell him to scoot over, I'll get it going and get us there. After a bunch of expletives, I said, "Quit telling me you know what you're doing and shove over!" I jumped in the driver's seat, shoved the choke in, spun her over a few times with my foot on the floor to clear the flooding, and away she went. He started to say something, and I told him, "Just let me drive it there," and took off quick before he could get out.

When I was mechanic at the gas station, we had kids with air shocks coming in all the time to fill them up. We always made sure to tell them that there was 200# in those hoses, and to be careful. Got sworn at by some smartypants with a Nova. "Okay, just trying to help you out." I saw him just holding down the air valve, so I got out of there. There was this giant BOOM! and every window in the place rattled. I saw the body settle down right onto the tire, but the kid got into it and drove it away anyway...
 
#16 ·
Another one for you: The boss was a hard-core alcoholic, good to the customers but really rough on us wrench-turners. He'd flown gliders in WWII, made 3 trips over, and consequently was real sensitive to loud noises. You'd drop a wrench and he'd holler.

We had this tanker truck for our fuel jobber (our station was his second office) that had one of those early GMC V6 engines in it - the ones with the sparkplugs on top - and the thing would never quit when the ignition was switched off. It would sit and diesel for a few seconds, then go POP real loud when it finally did quit. It had dual exhausts that dumped out in front of the cab because it was a fuel truck.

So it's a hot summer day, and the fuel delivery driver comes roaring in, and parks the truck in front of the service bay. He grabs the jobber phone and calls in to the office to give and get updates on his deliveries. The boss is on our business phone, deeply engaged in conversation. Meanwhile the fuel truck is just five feet away, with the exhaust pointed right at the boss' feet, going chugga-chugga-chugga... and it's doing it for REAL long this time because it's hot. The rest of us scatter because we know it's going to be loud this time, and we can smell the raw gas.

Finally the truck quits dieseling with this huge BANG and shoots flame at the boss's feet. The boss was so startled he easily cleared three feet when he jumped, hollering "I'm HIT!! I'm HIT!!" He had to hang up on the guy he was talking to, and go around to the restroom to check his shorts.

Meanwhile the manager (boss was hardest on him) was doubled over in the back room. He was a heart patient and I thought he was having an attack! He was gasping, and finally shook his head 'no,' and after about five minutes he managed to catch his breath, he was laughing so hard.

That story was repeated many times since to customers and vendors.
 
#17 ·
I had a boss that was a real anal orifice; he didn’t like me and thought I was stupid, and didn’t mind telling me so several times a day.
He finally fired me but didn’t say why, I didn’t ask either.
Twenty years later a race track hired me as chief tech inspector where his racecar was running for points.
I wouldn’t treat him different than any one else but he was scared I would.
It was fun to watch him squirm.
 
#19 ·
A buddy's father had a recently new 1988 Olds 88. Buddy's sister thought she'd do aomething nice for her father and wash the car one day...


...with 3M scrub pads and all!


Late at night during a thunder and lightening storm, it was dark in the house and my parents called us kids into their bedroom to watch the racoons in the garbage box in the back yard. We were all on their bed when suddenly is collapsed to the floor!!

I'm not sure what he wanted to do with it, but he promptly rushed downstairs to the basement with a flashlight to get his electric drill.

He came back up, plugged the drill in, and nothing. He tried another plug and nothing.

So off to the basement again with the flashlight to the fuse panel to check on the circuits when it finally ocurred to him that the POWER WAS STILL OUT!

We still laugh at that storey. This was years before cordless drill as far as I know.
 
#20 ·
years ago its winter. A snowy freezing kind of a day. I pull into a gas station. Attractive girl at the pump in front. She has one of those old cars where you needed to open the gas cap door with the car key. I see her fumble with the key in one hand and the gas pump nozzle in the other. I see the key will not go into the key hole.

I yell to her that there is probably there is some ice built up inside the key mechanism. She smiles and goes back to trying to jam it in.

I get my pump started and figured I would go help her out. I look up as I am walking over to her and she is holding the pump in one hand, a lit lighter in the other and leaning over next to the gas cap door. She starts to hold the lighter next to the key hole and about a foot away from the gas pump nozzle.

I tell stop! and she does and then looks at me for an explanation. The light bulb went off a few minutes into the explanation. Geez did she feel stupid.
 
#21 ·
Lighters and gas reminds me....

So, back 20 years or so ago (geez, was it REALLY that long ago?), I lived right downtown in one of the only other major cities around here... I'm driving home from somewhere, about 9 o'clock one night, can't remember where now, and about 6 blocks from home I get stopped 'cause there's a guy's half-ton blocking the driving lane I was in... so I sit for a bit, to see if he'd move it... Well, buddy's standing out there, talking "animatedly" to another buddy, time's a-tickin'... Being helpful I pull up and ask what's wrong... Well, the half-ton's quit, backing it outta their driveway... And he has to go pick his mother up from bingo... And its his brother's half-ton... So he and his sister are having a "discussion" about what the @@#$@#$@ they should do (the brother's not home, he's not gonna be happy 'bout the truck not running).. "Have ya got some booster cables, man?"

Well, of course I do... So I pull a U-ball, whip out the booster cables and we hook-er up....

"RRRRRRR-rrrrrrrrr-RRRRRRRRR-click"

"RRRRRRr- click"

"Stupid #$#%$@#!"

"Well," I say, "Must be something else wrong..." hoping I can maybe sneak away at this point...

"Maybe if I drop some gas into the carb..." says buddy...

"Um, okay...." I say, and before I can escape, buddy gets under the hood and pops the aircleaner "#$%## aircleaner nut!" he says as it goes flying off into the darkness somewhere...

"Okay, turn it over while I hold the choke open!" he says... By now, well, its too much of a train wreck for me to just get away, so I do...

RRRRRRR---rrrrrr - click

"Stupid @#@##@#@@! Can't see #$$#@#$@# in the dark under here! You got a flashlight, man?"

Well, um, no actually, I don't... Well, I DO but the batteries are dead...

"That's okay, I'll just get out my lighter..." at which point I'm bookin'er out of the cab of the truck! The next few seconds are pretty dang exciting, I'll slow them down for ya...

Flick-flick- WHOOOOMP! as the gas sitting in the carb throat goes up! WHAM!!! as buddy with the burning eyebrows leaps up and back and clocks his head on the hood of the truck!
"@#$@@#$%@#$@#$%#$$^%&#$@#$ $%#$%#$%#@$#%!!!!!!!!" as buddy dances around slapping his eyebrows and holding the back of his head.... Fortunately, all we lost were buddy's eyebrows... The rest of the truck did NOT burn...

About this time, the cops pulled up and let us know that we had to get the truck OFF the ROAD! So, we say Okay officers, will do! We'll just push it back up into the driveway buddy says... So we pop it into neutral, turn the wheels and go get behind this thing.... HEAVE! HEAVE! ALMOST THERE says buddy... This is the point where I notice that his driveway has oh, maybe a 45 degree angle to the first 2 feet of it... And maybe it wasn't THAT big of a truck, but at this point it sure FEELS like a 3/4 ton or bigger! We get it half way up, and it ain't going ANY further...
"Okay," says buddy, "hold it here and let me go get my sister and her kids!"

AAARRGH!

After some time, out comes the sister again, who is once again discussing animatedly exactly what's going on and what she thinks of the brother.. brief pause to introduce me.. .then out come the kids... who are probably about 4 and 6 years old... um, THIS isn't gonna work... At that point, the brother (owner of the truck) gets home (because Mom had phoned him from the Bingo hall wondering where her ride was) and an even MORE animated discussion begins (interrupted by a brief introduction of me, the guy with the booster cables)... On the upside, the brother helps push the truck up onto the driveway, and I'm able to escape...

Things that make you go hmmmmm....
 
#22 ·
Dead pickup trucks remind me...

One of the mechanics in our shop was a good guy; bright, inventinve, always on time. One morning he's not there - very much NOT like him. I open the place up, and proceed to run my butt off for the next two hours. He doesn't have a phone, so there's no way to call him. Finally, he comes in on his beater motorcycle, looking like he's been rebuilding a car and slept in his clothes...

"Where's your truck?"
"Home, it's busted; bad fuel pump. I just got home a half hour ago. Took me 20 minutes to get this **** bike started. Sorry I'm late."

And after we got a minute for me to ask, "What the heck happened to you," the story went like this:

So he and four of his buddies had taken his old F1 pickup to the next big town, about 45 miles away. They'd had their fun (and more than a couple of brewskies), and were on the way back, in the middle of the night. Two in the cab, two in the back.

Truck quits, halfway back. Middle of the night, 20 miles from anything. Pitch black.

Our guy knows it's a bad fuel pump, but he had figured it'd make it there and back. Four guys (who are well-fueled on alcohol) jump out of the truck and start pushing, one guy gets behind the wheel. They get it about five or ten miles, with each of them taking a turn steering, to rest a bit. Finally they sober up somewhat, and our guy realizes he's got a 1/2 gallon milk carton in the back, next to his tool box. In the tool box is a tubing cutter, some hose, clamps, and more than a few loose bolts.

Our guy calls a halt to the pushing for a minute and climbs under the truck. He cuts the fuel line, and drains out enough to fill the carton. He plugs the open end with the hose and the bolt to keep the gas from running out everywhere. Next he unbolts the hood and the guys lift it off and put it in the back. He pulls the air cleaner and dribbles a bit of gas into the carb chamber. "Give it a spin!!" The engine comes to life, but dies after a few seconds because it ran out of gas. So our guy climbs up on the fender, finds a secure spot for his feet, runs his belt through the battery box to hold himself on, and dribbles more gas into the carb.

They start the truck and start heading for home. Took them about four hours to get back, at about 20-25 MPH, but they made it. Our guy said he figured out that he could just dribble gas into the carb and wait for it to cough, then dribble in some more. They couldn't go too fast, or the truck would use all the gas out of the carb too fast, and he couldn't dribble it back in because of the wind. Every so often, they'd have to stop and pull the bolt out of the fuel line and fill the carton again.

But they made it back...!
 
#23 ·
I really like that one! Good old fashioned ingenuity! :thThumbsU
 
#25 ·
I will go ahead and tell one on me.
When I was twenty years old I bought a 70 Chevy truck (this was 1983) it cost $800.00 so that will tell you what kind of shape it was in.
The truck had California mirrors on it and a rearview mirror in the middle of the cab where it is supposed to be.
When you look thru the center mirror it would reflect off the side mirror and all the glass and you could see things that you would swear is behind you and it would be out in a field somewhere.
To be sure what I was looking at I had to see it in two different mirrors or turn around.

One day I was driving down the interstate and the exhaust pipe got loose and shifted around and aimed its self at the bed floor that was made of wood.
The pipe set the floor on fire and I had a three foot flame burning in the back before I figured it out.

Sure I saw a small fire but I thought it was off the side of the road somewhere, and people were blowing the horn at me but I thought they were just mad because I was going the speed limit, ( I was afraid to go any faster).
When the fire got large and I kept seeing it I turned around, stopping quickly I grabbed a gallon of water I was carrying and put it out - found the problem - fixed it, and went on down the road with only about a 6” hole in the bed.
 
#26 ·
back when i was in school there was this guy he was the only one that had a car and was real butt at recess we would slip out n put rocks n his hubcaps when he drove off they clang n bang he would stop n walk alround car looking get back in and do it all again he was hilarious
 
#27 ·
A few days ago I was having some work done at a local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is ...see below
 
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